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.You prob-ably tolerate behaviour from family members that youwouldn t consider (even in your nicest state) tolerating fromfriends or colleagues.2.Patterns of communication.What happens in families is that,patterns of communication are established (in most caseslong before you were born) and stay that way seemingly forever.You will have adapted to these patterns as naturally aslearning to walk and talk.You had no other option. Part 2: Introduction | 119Therefore, if you have any hope of changing these well-entrenched habits and expectations, something different onyour part is going to have to happen.3. I just want them to understand. There will be some situa-tions where radical action is needed to shift old, establishedpatterns.There will be other situations, however, that mayrequire a lighter touch and indeed may require all the loveand understanding you can muster, even though what youwant to do is demand that they understand you.We wouldn tcount on it if we were you.So many people want their parents to understand who andwhat they are and they figure if they just try hard enough toexplain their parents will get it one day.Unlikely.Given that, you need to decide how far you re willing togo and for what results.If you re looking for understandingyou may need to look elsewhere.If you re looking to changethe way you and your family members communicate, thenmany of the tips we offer in this book will be very useful anddoable.Tact and sensitivity may provide a far better outcomewhen combined with some of the techniques we describe. 5I m Sorry:How Language Keeps You StuckCan language be too nice?Oddly enough, one of the first places to start when looking to changeyour behaviour is language.That may seem a bit strange if ultimatelywhat you want to do is to alter your adaptive and accommodatingbehaviour.However, it s not so strange as all that.Think about it for a moment.Go back over the memories you vehad when doing some of the earlier exercises in this book.Things thatwere said to you will have affected you as much if not more than whatwas actually done.Now, we aren t trying to minimise what was done,and some of you may have experienced a great deal of physical abuse,some of it horrific.But language creates the climate within which it ishard to do anything other than modify your natural self.In the chapter on childhood we highlighted some of the ways inwhich parents control their children.Some of the most effective waysare to bully, harass or humiliate children by putting them down, min-imising what they feel or want, insisting that they think and behave theway the parents want them to; it can all be done through language with-out a hint of physical violence to be seen.Indeed, most of you will have had an experience in school, forinstance, of being singled out and humiliated by your teacher in frontof your peers.This might have been for being naughty, answering aquestion incorrectly, weeing in your pants, daydreaming, failing anexam, being late, etc.That kind of public humiliation is usually enoughto ensure that you will do whatever it takes to avoid a repeat of that 122 | The Nice Factorsense of shame and embarrassment.Not only that, there will be some of you who only had to witnessthat being done to someone else to ensure you stayed in line.Just thethought of that kind of public verbal censure was enough to keep youin your place.Words.Words shape the way you think and the way you see the world.Language is one of the most potent shapers of behaviour that wehave at our disposal.Words were used to get you to be how otherswanted you to be: they were used to belittle, to threaten, to promise andreward, to intimidate and frighten, to persuade, to manipulate.Wordscan feel like a slap across the face; they wound our self-esteem, injureour pride.Language seeps into our psyches because we hear things before wehave the understanding of their true meaning.Things are said to us bypeople we revere or fear or are in awe of and we take them as truthslong before we have the capacity to doubt.Painful and hurtful things were said to you that are fixed in such adeep internal place that even now that you ve learned to doubt andquestion, you doubt the doubt.It s hard to question whether yourmother really meant it when, in exasperation, she told you, You rehopeless what am I going to do with you?Language things that were said to you will have affected youenormously.That s why when we begin to look at ways to change yourbehaviour we begin with the word.And the first place we begin is the simple things you say in apology.And what s the most common form of apology? I m sorry.How much is your daily language sprinkled with I m sorry ? Whatare you actually apologising for?People apologise when they think they ve done something wrong, ofcourse; but they also apologise when someone bumps into them; theyapologise when they feel they are acting out of turn; they apologise whenthey want to ask for something they think they won t get; they apologisefor other people s behaviour; they apologise when someone else is upset;they apologise when there is absolutely no reason for apology.Jo Ellen: I once had a friend stay in the cottage I used rentin the country.We were doing some housework together I m Sorry: How Language Keeps You Stuck | 123and his foot brushed against a couple of bricks that wereholding up a piece of furniture. I m sorry, he said. You just apologised to a brick I said. Oh, he said, looking down, I m sorry.Our use of language is a habit.In the same way that thinking we haveno choice becomes a habit, language is so automatic we don t evenknow we re doing it most of the time.The use of language shapes and reinforces our beliefs and our senseof self.In Chapter 4 we talked about becoming more burglar proof.One ofthe things that will attract emotional burglars to you is the languagethat you use.Body language can give a message to people that you are doormatable.Spoken language has the same, if not more, power to doso as well.You may be verbally cowering in the language you use.Your language transmits powerful signals that give tacit permissionto other people that you are fair game.If you continually apologise oruse language that is vague, wishy-washy, unclear and indirect, you leaveyourself wide open for other people to misinterpret you, to ignore youor to pretend you didn t really mean it anyway [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]
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.You prob-ably tolerate behaviour from family members that youwouldn t consider (even in your nicest state) tolerating fromfriends or colleagues.2.Patterns of communication.What happens in families is that,patterns of communication are established (in most caseslong before you were born) and stay that way seemingly forever.You will have adapted to these patterns as naturally aslearning to walk and talk.You had no other option. Part 2: Introduction | 119Therefore, if you have any hope of changing these well-entrenched habits and expectations, something different onyour part is going to have to happen.3. I just want them to understand. There will be some situa-tions where radical action is needed to shift old, establishedpatterns.There will be other situations, however, that mayrequire a lighter touch and indeed may require all the loveand understanding you can muster, even though what youwant to do is demand that they understand you.We wouldn tcount on it if we were you.So many people want their parents to understand who andwhat they are and they figure if they just try hard enough toexplain their parents will get it one day.Unlikely.Given that, you need to decide how far you re willing togo and for what results.If you re looking for understandingyou may need to look elsewhere.If you re looking to changethe way you and your family members communicate, thenmany of the tips we offer in this book will be very useful anddoable.Tact and sensitivity may provide a far better outcomewhen combined with some of the techniques we describe. 5I m Sorry:How Language Keeps You StuckCan language be too nice?Oddly enough, one of the first places to start when looking to changeyour behaviour is language.That may seem a bit strange if ultimatelywhat you want to do is to alter your adaptive and accommodatingbehaviour.However, it s not so strange as all that.Think about it for a moment.Go back over the memories you vehad when doing some of the earlier exercises in this book.Things thatwere said to you will have affected you as much if not more than whatwas actually done.Now, we aren t trying to minimise what was done,and some of you may have experienced a great deal of physical abuse,some of it horrific.But language creates the climate within which it ishard to do anything other than modify your natural self.In the chapter on childhood we highlighted some of the ways inwhich parents control their children.Some of the most effective waysare to bully, harass or humiliate children by putting them down, min-imising what they feel or want, insisting that they think and behave theway the parents want them to; it can all be done through language with-out a hint of physical violence to be seen.Indeed, most of you will have had an experience in school, forinstance, of being singled out and humiliated by your teacher in frontof your peers.This might have been for being naughty, answering aquestion incorrectly, weeing in your pants, daydreaming, failing anexam, being late, etc.That kind of public humiliation is usually enoughto ensure that you will do whatever it takes to avoid a repeat of that 122 | The Nice Factorsense of shame and embarrassment.Not only that, there will be some of you who only had to witnessthat being done to someone else to ensure you stayed in line.Just thethought of that kind of public verbal censure was enough to keep youin your place.Words.Words shape the way you think and the way you see the world.Language is one of the most potent shapers of behaviour that wehave at our disposal.Words were used to get you to be how otherswanted you to be: they were used to belittle, to threaten, to promise andreward, to intimidate and frighten, to persuade, to manipulate.Wordscan feel like a slap across the face; they wound our self-esteem, injureour pride.Language seeps into our psyches because we hear things before wehave the understanding of their true meaning.Things are said to us bypeople we revere or fear or are in awe of and we take them as truthslong before we have the capacity to doubt.Painful and hurtful things were said to you that are fixed in such adeep internal place that even now that you ve learned to doubt andquestion, you doubt the doubt.It s hard to question whether yourmother really meant it when, in exasperation, she told you, You rehopeless what am I going to do with you?Language things that were said to you will have affected youenormously.That s why when we begin to look at ways to change yourbehaviour we begin with the word.And the first place we begin is the simple things you say in apology.And what s the most common form of apology? I m sorry.How much is your daily language sprinkled with I m sorry ? Whatare you actually apologising for?People apologise when they think they ve done something wrong, ofcourse; but they also apologise when someone bumps into them; theyapologise when they feel they are acting out of turn; they apologise whenthey want to ask for something they think they won t get; they apologisefor other people s behaviour; they apologise when someone else is upset;they apologise when there is absolutely no reason for apology.Jo Ellen: I once had a friend stay in the cottage I used rentin the country.We were doing some housework together I m Sorry: How Language Keeps You Stuck | 123and his foot brushed against a couple of bricks that wereholding up a piece of furniture. I m sorry, he said. You just apologised to a brick I said. Oh, he said, looking down, I m sorry.Our use of language is a habit.In the same way that thinking we haveno choice becomes a habit, language is so automatic we don t evenknow we re doing it most of the time.The use of language shapes and reinforces our beliefs and our senseof self.In Chapter 4 we talked about becoming more burglar proof.One ofthe things that will attract emotional burglars to you is the languagethat you use.Body language can give a message to people that you are doormatable.Spoken language has the same, if not more, power to doso as well.You may be verbally cowering in the language you use.Your language transmits powerful signals that give tacit permissionto other people that you are fair game.If you continually apologise oruse language that is vague, wishy-washy, unclear and indirect, you leaveyourself wide open for other people to misinterpret you, to ignore youor to pretend you didn t really mean it anyway [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]